An Offer of Life & Death

My inbox is filled with delightful offers day and night. Various businesses seem quite concerned with my financial and sexual well-being. Today, however, was the first that dealt with issues of my safety.

Subject:  You have been betrayed by some close to you

Some close? Glenn Close? I don’t know her well enough to be betrayed, but thank you for the concern. Am I being betrayed by “some clothes” and they just left out some letters? I’m so confused (and scared).
Maybe they elaborate in the message itself.

You have been betrayed!!!

You said as much in the subject. Oh, now I see the three exclamation points. You’re serious here. Ok, I’m paying attention.

It’s a pity that this how your life is going to come to an end as your death had already been paid for by someone who is very close to you from all investigations.

Someone paid for my death?! Well, that’s generous of them. I’d hate to have to pay for it myself. Sounds expensive. This person (FROM indicates it is someone named ZECO) has even done investigations to prove that it was someone close to me. Aww, so sweet.

I have ordered 3 (three) of my men to monitor every move of you and make sure you are not out of sight till the date of your assassination.

First ZECO, I’d like to thank you for spelling out the number 3 for me. Sometimes numbers confuse me.
Secondly, 3 (three) men?! That’s a lot of manpower just to monitor my every move. I don’t really travel a lot of places. You could probably get by with 1 (one) guy and a pair of binoculars. You should watch your costs in today’s economy. Every penny counts.
Thirdly, wait, assassination?

According to the report I gets, you seem to be innocent about what you have been accuse but I have no business with that, so that’s why am contacting you to know if truly you are innocent and how much you value your life.

You get reports about me? Are they in story form or more like bullet-points?
8am – Arrived at work
1pm – Ate lunch  (it looked delicious)
4pm – Spun around in chair for 3 (three) minutes straight
I’m being accused of something? Golly, I can’t imagine what that may be. I did jaywalk quite a bit last month. Is that it ZECO? If so, I’m afraid that I am not innocent. I was pretty flagrant about it too. Heck, I even did it in front of a bunch of firefighters. That’s right, authority figures. I  knew it was foolish, but that crosswalk was at least 80ft away and I was lazy.

Get back to me if you sure want to live on, ignore this mail only if you feel it’s a joke or just a threat.

Oh, I don’t think you would joke about these kinds of matters ZECO. Your reply-to address is very different than the from address in your message. Are you also  hiding from these jaywalk assassins?

Don’t forget your days on earth are numbered, so you have the chance to live if only you will comply with me.

I would very much  like to live. Do I have to change my identity? Get surgery? Pay protection money? Sacrifice a goat? Tell me!

WARNING: Tell no one about this mail to you because he or she might just be the person who wants you dead, and if that happens, I will be aware and am going to make sure you DIE instantly.

Hmm. Does posting this in the internets count? I doubt the person who wants me dead will read this. If they did, wouldn’t they be like “Oh noes, my best laid plans are all foiled! Now I’ll have to assassinate 4 (four) other people for crimes!”
If you do read this post ZECO, I wasn’t trying to expose you. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. Please don’t make me die instantly. Or slowly. Or really at any speed.

I will give you every detail of where to be and how to take any actions be it legal or illegal, that’s only when I read from you.

ZECO, ZECO, ZECO. Hey, can I just call you Zeco? All those capital letters are hard to type. So, Zeco, I don’t think I should be doing any more illegal actions. Look at how much trouble jaywalking got me in!

You need to stay calm

Totally calm.

and act unaware of this situation

What situation?

and follow instructions because any move you make that is suspicious; you will DIE as your days are numbered.

I can follow instructions, but I can’t promise that I won’t do anything suspicious. Do you know how hard that is? I’ve been told I even eat soup suspiciously. So if your 3 (three) men see that, can they just give me a pass? I swear I wasn’t trying to do it on purpose.
You say my days are numbered. Can I get the exact number then? I have a lot of things to schedule and it’d be handy to have that figured in. Thanks.

Anyway, good luck with your assassinations Zeco.